Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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