if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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