I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
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I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
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Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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