she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
