hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
