Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
