I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Well I just put wine in my tea
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
