Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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