i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
