i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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