i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
