Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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