all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
