I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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