I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
