she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
