I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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