well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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