I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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