Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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