my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
