Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
