ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
