Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
