Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
