If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
