when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
