I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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