i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
