can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
