I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
