I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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