Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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