she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
