I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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