im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
