Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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