apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
