In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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