I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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