I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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