It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
All I want is dick and wine.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
