$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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