oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
