I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
