4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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