Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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