my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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