He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We just shotgunned beers for America
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
