I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
