She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
