So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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