hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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