I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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