If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
